New: Dishoom is a fun action-comedy, with some weird moments

I have had it up to here with serious movies this year. Yeah, okay, not all of them have been bad (I enjoyed Sultan, and Neerja was a real tear-jerker!) but there have just been too many serious movies, not enough hilarious action-comedies to keep me satisfied.

So finally in with a dishoom comes Dishoom, with a zingy trailer to catch the eye.

Thankfully, Dishoom is mostly fun if not the perfect buddy cop comedy, with a handful of head-scratching moments and plot holes. Plot holes are often to be expected in a comedy and especially a Bollywood comedy. When the audience can come up with one more normal solution to a plot problem than the movie, it’s no big deal; it's almost funny. When the audience can come up with four or five while watching it, well, then you really have yourself a problem. That happens a few times in Dishoom, particularly in tense moments like escaping a den full of baddies or dealing with a good guy in a bomb-strapped straightjacket.

And sometimes Dishoom makes minor problems glaringly obvious. Take, for example, the fact that most of the action takes place “somewhere in the Middle East” as the first screen after the musical opening says. Well, then, if you weren’t going to tell us where — even though it was filmed in Abu Dhabi — why draw attention to the fact? (And also, what up with almost everyone speaking Hindi except the most random smattering of Arabic? But I digress.)

In this mysterious Middle Eastern country, a cricket tourney is going on wherein India, Sri Lanka and Pakistan are naturally the final three. After dislocating his shoulder and relocating it by slamming it against a brick wall (…seriously, why?), star cricketer Viraj Sharma (Saqib Saleem) beats Sri Lanka to take them to the final and gets himself kidnapped. In flies India’s Special Task Force man Kabir Shergill (John Abraham) to take on the search in secret before word gets out and ruins the final. Kabir is a rules-schmules kind of guy (and his girl just cheated on him back home, so he’s in no mood) so he picks the dopiest guy in the department, Junaid “J” Ansari (Varun Dhawan), to be his guide.

K and J, get it? If you don’t, I have a GIF for you.

From here on out, mostly John Abraham does the macho while Varun Dhawan dopily hams it up. It’s mostly fun and effective, but they are missing some jokey rapport for the true buddy cop feel. I am a well-documented fan of goofy!John, and would like to have seen him make something of an appearance.

Speaking of appearances, Akshay Kumar zooms in on a jet ski for a hilarious if occasionally awkward cameo as a gay playboy with a terrible wig man-bun and a kilt who makes Kabir and J strip down to their matching chaddis. And he snaps this hilar photo.

On the other hand, Nargis Fakhri has a cameo that is 100 percent annoying and pointless. She simply flounces around, speaking with her American accent despite the fact that we’re told a scene earlier that she’s “a local girl.” Her character basically unwittingly served to transport Viraj to the kidnappers, but that’s all. It seems like a wonderful opportunity to make her complicit, but she just shows up a few times more for no good reason. It’s really these kinds of half-planned detours that detract from the movie.

Jacqueline Fernandez as the movie’s main female character — small time con artist Ishika/whatever her real name is who happens to have pilfered the kidnapped cricketer’s phone from the kidnapper — is almost equally annoying, but at least she has some hint of a role to play. Even if it’s just helping the heroes snatch phones and cars and whatever else they might need. (Though how she gets from being deserted by said heroes to dancing for the kidnappers is one of the more annoying plot holes.)

Highly welcome, however, is Akshaye Khanna as the primary villain, though it takes him a while to appear. He’s got the swagger, the sassy eyebrows and the menacing voice down pat. I’d gladly welcome this villain back if he ditches some of his cronies.

And I might even welcome back K and J along with him, so long as they can jump over a few plot holes and stop taking weird detours.

Baahubali: An aspiring epic held back by conventional problems

Hey, folks. Long time no see. But a  movie as big as Baahubali called me to return to the blogosphere that I have sadly been neglecting.

My introduction to South Indian films on the big screen was a grand one this weekend (also an expensive one; not sure I can keep up with a $20 per ticket habit). Before I was sitting in a sparsely filled theater Sunday, my watched list included three Tamil films (including Madrasapattinam, which I have been trying to watch again ever since) and one Telugu film that had been dubbed from Tamil. But boy-o, the most expensive movie in Indian filmmaking history (last seen here: Ra.-freaking-One) and an epic was certainly a way to go.

I have some very mixed feels about it, but all could probably be summed up by this:

It’s an entertaining aspiring epic held back by some more conventional entrapments.

It’s hard to provide a short plot synopsis, so here goes a long one: It opens with a woman struggling out of a tunnel carrying a baby. She wards off attackers, gets injured and slips into the river. She holds the baby up, says a prayer, and dies but holds him up until he’s rescued. A village woman raises him; the villagers discover the tunnel but seal it because why not! Boy Shivudu grows up wanting to climb to the top of the Waterfalls That Never End and always falling down, miraculously not injuring himself despite hundreds of feet drops. Grown Shivudu (Prabhas) is proven to be insanely strong and good-hearted if rebellious — he carries a Shiva lingam under the flow of water to ease work for his adoptive mother — and then climbs the waterfall chasing a phantom woman. At the top, he discovers a whole new worlddddd (cue Disney music) and that the phantom woman is, duh, real… real bad-ass Avanthika (Tamannaah) from a tribe of people hellbent on rescuing some princess from The Evil Kingdom. He, ahem, romances the woman, takes on her quest and sets off to battle the kingdom’s forces of evil, epitomized by this king dude named Bhallala Deva who likes to kill mythological-sized bulls for sport. After lots of hullabaloo, good Shivudu who obvs is not just Shivudu kills evil prince, then prince’s bodyguard shows up and realizes THIS GUY IS JUST LIKE ‘BAAHUBALI’! Gather ’round kids while we rewind 50 years to tell the story of said Baahubali: He was one of two princes vying for the throne of Mahishmati, having to fight against evil cousin-brother Bhallala Deva for the right from iron-fisted maa Sivagami (Ramya Krishnan as a total badass) who is currently ruling with no probs but has to give away her throne to a male descendant for some reason. But I digress. Baahubali is obvs the thinking man here, the compassionate one, so on, and also, if you needed more convincing, he does a dance number with some dancing girls while on a mission; obvs this is king material, guyz. Bhallala Deva is just pure evil always. You can see how this is going to end already, so the movie throws in a giant epic, awesome battle sequence that takes forever and distracts you from the obvious while further proving Baahubali is also savvy on the battlefield. YAY KING BAAHUBALI! But as you have already guessed, newly crowned Baahubali got killed by somebody, who actually confesses to everybody as the big twist. NO MORE KING.

END OF MOVIE.

New: The non-mysterious (Bihari) Detective Byomkesh Bakshy

Wow, has it been a long time since the Bollywood Queens have blogged or what?! (Also, has this blog post taken forever or what! I saw this movie more than a week ago. Oooops.)

Yeah, so there are a million excuses and reasons why, but I’m just gonna say it’s good to be back, however long this lasts! And that I wish I’d sat down and written a blog post after I saw the WTFery that was Shamitabh.

There was far less WTFery to be had here with Detective Byomkesh Bakshy, though there were, of course, the moments. (The ending. Oh, the ending. But just wait; we’ll get there.)

NEW: Bhaag Milkha Bhaag: Do you have the patience for a meandering marathon?

I usually like to start off reviews with a synopsis of the plot, a glimpse of what the film’s most basic story is. I’m not really sure I can start off talking about Bhaag Milkha Bhaag like that because the film is basically one giant, multidirectional, nonlinear ramble through the life of Milkha Singh, likely India’s most celebrated runner and Olympian.

I wish I could give Bhaag Milkha Bhaag a wonderful review. Because much of it is wonderful, powerful and beautiful — with the perfect amount of excellently done humor mixed in. But what ruins it is that Rakyesh Prakash Mehra doesn’t seem to know what editing is. The film is chock full of fluff — unnecessary focus and detail, absurdly long shots, frivolous montages and repetitiveness. Either a good 45 minutes should have been cut out or should have been used more effectively.

Most shots are wonderfully crafted and somehow Milkha’s running rarely gets boring, thanks in part to thoughtful shots such as a close-up on his shoes literally tearing up dirt. But the problem is many shots are just too indulgent. No one has patience for the unending deluge of them. How many times do we have to watch Milkha’s sweat droplets pour into a bucket? Or watch a sped-up shot of the track he’ll be running? Or watch him running dramatically in training? Or watch a so-long-it-started-drawing-laughs shot of Milkha weeping over the loss of his family? It all seems to lose its appeal after a time.

NEW: Raanjhanaa: Perhaps the oddest combination of things I’ve ever seen

Synopsis: Kundan (Dhanush), son of a Hindu Tamil priest (thank goodness they explained that accent of his), goes about Benares making trouble. And then as a child, he happens to spot a Muslim girl named Zoya (Sonam Kapoor) who he falls head-over-heels in love with for the rest of his days. As a teen, he commences the stalking typical of Bollywood movie love, which causes Zoya’s family to exile her rather than have her love a Hindu. But eight years later, Kundan is still there, still as madly in love with Zoya as ever, though she doesn’t recognize him at first.

So. The first half of this movie is what you see in the trailers: upbeat, funny and pretty darn adorable.

The second half turns into politics, murder, guilt, sadness and oh did I mention SADNESS? Lots of that.

I’ve seen some films that truly fall under the “curse of the second half” label, but this one is damn near bipolar. It’s not so much a curse of the second half — because the second half would be fine on its own — as it is too big a leap between halves.

Which half did I prefer? The first.

It was remarkably funny and just had a lot of things that flat-out made me smile.

The Holi scenes made me smile. They are beautifully done.

Yes, Kundan’s got that whole stalking-for-love thing going on that I tend to hate, but Dhanush is fabulously off-beat and silly about it in a way that just seems to somehow work. Let’s just say that it comes down to a (not-quite-literal) fight between him and Abhay Deol’s character for the affections of Sonam Kapoor’s, and for once I could not side with Abhay Deol. That is a remarkable feat. And when Kundan breaks down crying because Zoya is set to marry someone else, well, I may have teared up a little. Maybe.

NEW: Special 26: Smart, thrilling and full of wonderful mustaches

Synopsis: Based on a real-life 1987 heist that has never been solved, Special 26 is the story of a band of thieves who raid and rob businesses, corrupt politicians and the like posing as income tax or CBI officials. And they only steal black money, so the victims don’t like to report it. The crew is lead by schemer Ajay (Akshay Kumar), who is backed by P.K. Sharma (Anupam Kher), Joginder (Rajesh Sharma) and Iqbal (Kishor Kadam). But in the film’s first heist, Ajay and crew dupe police officers Ranveer (Jimmy Shergill) and Shanti (Divya Dutta) into helping them loot a corrupt minister’s home, leading Ranveer to swear revenge and take his case to resident CBI badass Wassim Khan (Manoj Bajpayee). As criminal mastermind Ajay works to plan one last big heist so the crew can retire, police mastermind Wassim is always in step with him.

Not-so-serious review on Talaash (2012): Let the griping, Kareena-bashing commence [SPOILERS like WHOA]

Why are people smiling in this promo?!
Nobody smiles in this movie.

If you are looking for my serious, mostly spoiler-free thoughts on Talaash, they are in a guest post at theBollywoodFan’s blog. If you’re more interested in my totally spoilery humorous thoughts and love of Aamir Khan’s mustache, you are in the right place here. Because even though I loved pieces of the movie, the whole so frustrated me that I must take out my anger on it in poking fun at it. Especially one Kareena Kapoor.

But before we get into that, let me say that the theater experience for Talaash was something else. My AMC has started screening two Indian films at a time, but they’re usually relegated to small back theaters. When I went to see JTHJ there on a Saturday night two weeks ago, the theater was packed to capacity and I was sitting in the very first row. The same thing happened for Rowdy Rathore. Imagine my surprise when I walk in early for Talaash and notice it’s playing in one of the theaters right next to the concession stand — you know, the ones usually reserved for films like Twilight or the Avengers that have huge hype driving them.

Imagine my even bigger surprise when I walk in and see this is a big big big theater — as big as the IMAX screen that I watched Skyfall on earlier this week. Yes. Really. The theater wasn’t packed to capacity, but the top half was reasonably full, all things considered (unfortunately this included many babies that drove me crazy).

That being said, it was made clear last night that I have gori disease. The one that drives desis to avoid sitting next to me in a theater at all costs. But I know the cure: wait for the lights to go out, and then — no longer able to tell a gori from a desi — they will sit next to you. And the joke is on them.

NEW: Jab Tak Hai Jaan: A moving end to an era

Two nights ago, the time finally arrived when I could make it to see Jab Tak Hai Jaan, the film I had been most waiting for this year.

After some 48 hours, I've still been asking myself was Jab Tak Hai Jaan everything I had waited and hoped for? Probably more so than any other movie I have heavily anticipated. I wrote last year about a noteworthy Diwali release fizzler of a film *cough cough* that “I’m so excited for it that it almost can’t live up to my expectations.” I’m so so glad that this wasn’t the case with JTHJ.

It’s one of those very rare films that I want to see in the theater twice. (The only other movie I’ve done that for in recent memory was The Avengers.) I think with a new SRK romance and the last glimpse of the directorial brilliance of Yash Chopra, I was bound to love it — though not quite as much as I do. It ran me through the emotional ringer, from tears to laughs to heart-melting.

Shahrukh and Yashji (may he rest in peace) know how to charm your socks off, no matter how much of a cynic you are. Love is their game, and they know how to suck you in. Even by playing a cynic, SRK can make you believe in love.

And while we’re talking about love, can we talk about the loving going on in this movie!

Not only kissing scenes, but also a (quick) sex scene! What a jump for Shahrukh! Part of me thinks only Yashji could have convinced the staid, staunchly conservative SRK to do this. Another part of me wonders if aging SRK is just trying to keep up with a younger generation of lovers.

He does, after all, literally woo two generations in this film. And unlike so many people I’ve seen talking about this movie and others, I don’t really have a problem with it. Maybe because that’s because I’m 21 and have a huge thing for SRK even though he’s older than my father (and by God, him in uniform), or maybe that’s because I believe he just still has it even at age 47. I don't care what you say, that man looks damn good for 47.

A romance of a not-too-unique sort here; SRK even calls himself Raj for part of it.

But... sexier!

Besides, the generational gap that’s toyed with in this movie — a “38”-year-old Samar’s one-sided (perhaps) love story with 21-year-old Akira — isn’t really followed through on.

Though part of me knew that Meera (Katrina) would come out the victor in this battle, I couldn’t help but root for Akira (Anushka). (Meera is the peepeewoman!) Perhaps it’s because Anuskha Sharma is simply and inherently more likeable than Katrina Kaif — and a much better actress. Perhaps it’s because I will continue to root (hopelessly and helplessly) for the tomboy girls who are themselves and not proper and prettified. Who are carefree and ride motorcycles and basically kick ass in a man’s world.

But I know and knew in the film that it is a fruitless battle. Meera is the one that Samar has wooed and chosen, no matter what she’s done to him, and of course is also the one that he slept with, so inevitably she will be the victor. Perhaps only if she had died would Akira be able to have Samar in a Yash Chopra world (because we know from Lamhe that Yashji had no quarrel with age and generation gaps).

I felt this way when he didn't pick you too, Akira.

Your vibrancy and motorcycle-riding ways were too much for him.

In that way, the love story is quintessentially conservative. First love is the lasting love. One life, one love. And yes, it’s probably up for debate as to whether Samar ever actually loved Akira (quite like Devdas and Chandramukhi). Part of me wants to say yes because they were the couple that I rooted for, but then there are some indications that he only ever entertained her whims. That, of course, goes back to the one life, one love theory.

Can we also talk about Yash Chopra’s penchant for making lovers pay a penance before they are happy? This one was half the time of Veer-Zaara, but equally, shall we say, unnecessary. Ten years is an awful long time to spend apart just because you’re angry (Samar) or because you think that you have some deal with God that means you have to stay away (despite the fact that you’ve seen the man to tell him of this deal...). It almost feels like a weak reason for separation, especially on Meera’s part. It might have felt stronger if there was some scene with, say, her father reinforcing the idea that promises to God must be kept. (Or maybe I just wanted to see more of Anupam Kher because I will always and forever <3 him as a filmi father, and a couple of scenes are never enough.)

The religious entanglements of this film... not so great. (But... Christian!)

Part of me dislikes the religious implications of this movie in total. Because while they point out the folly of bargaining with God, expecting that He exact something from you in return for giving something you pray for, Samar also delivers a rather blasphemous speech at Meera that implies he and God are equal and that devotion is either to one or the other, something I don’t believe is even remotely true.

And there are logical inconsistencies in the plot — why is Akira allowed near bomb sites to film? Why do authorities randomly let Samar defuse a bomb on a London train? Why does “state-level swimmer” Akira nearly drown at the beginning of the movie? Why the hell do people not watch when they cross the street?!? — but none of them bothered me too bad. Such is filmidom.

But bouncing back to the upside, the music of this movie is unerringly fantastic. A.R. Rahman’s genius shines again, as does Gulzar’s lyrical ingenuity. I would say the same thing I said last year about the Rockstar soundtrack, that it “transcends language,” but, as expressive as A.R Rahman’s compositions are on their own, I think saying that would do injustice to Gulzar’s lyrics. Heer is above and beyond my favorite, but there isn’t a single song in this film that I would give up.

 The glorious song 'Heer.'

And, true to Yash Chopra form, the picturizations are as equally glorious as the music itself. He knew how to take the poetic words and make them visual. (The only one I’d pick at was parts of Saans, and part of that may have to do with my conservative tastes disliking the bed scene!) The Ishq Shava picturization also had pretty strikingly different and edgy choreography for a Bollywood flick.

Cynicism and life. More than just
a romance.

I think it’s perhaps a good metaphor for the whole film’s mix of the classic, the conservative, and the young edginess. Somehow the film manages to blend both well. It’s the grand romance you can expect from Yash Chopra. It’s the heartmelting “young” wooing loverboy you can expect from Shahrukh Khan. But it’s also about a young, vibrant woman who tries to woo a cynical man who is angry about a love lost. It’s about a dark soldier figure who refuses to fear death but who has something of a death wish. And it’s a conservative Bollywood love story, in a way, but it’s one that shows a few of the more intimate moments that are often not discussed. It’s one that subtly hints that Samar could have been happy with Akira if he hadn’t re-encountered Meera.

Perhaps that’s why I loved it. It has one foot in the past and one in the future.

And like any good filmi-lover, I cried when the end credits rolled beside a montage of Yash Chopra directing his last film.

I cried because we will never have another Yash Chopra. We will never have another Yash Chopra Romance. Aditya Chopra (quite unlike poor Uday) is a significant filmi talent in his own right, and perhaps with time he will rise to truly fill his father’s shoes. But will there ever be another master like Yashji who understands the heart and the all-conquering power of love? I fear there won’t be.

I cried because I felt the end of an era. And one that I refuse to let go.

NEW: Son of Sardaar: Masala not at its best

Synopsis: London-living NRI Jaswinder “Jassi” Singh Randhawa (Ajay Devgn) goes to Phagwara, Punjab, to sell his family property after his parents die. Turns out his dad and another man killed each other there years ago, and the other man’s family, the Sadhus, have been waiting 25 years to find Jassi and kill him. Oops. Guess that makes it pretty awkward that he fell in love with their sister/cousin/niece Sukh (Sonakshi Sinha) on the train. To make matters worse, Jassi is already in their house as a guest — and of course “guests are God” — ingratiating himself to the women of the house like Pammi (Juhi Chawla!), when they find out. And of course honor says you can’t kill a guest in your house, so Billu (Sanjay Dutt) and the men of the family must wait for Jassi to step outside the house — but of course, he knows better.

Thoughts, though they be brief and scattered:

Juhi Chawla, why don’t we get to see you more often anymore? I love you. That is all.

Hai Allah -- Juhi Chawla!

Ajay Devgn plays a bit of a goofball in this movie. Jassi turns out smart and inhumanly strong in the end — he is a sardar, after all — but he spends most of the movie as a bit of a bumbling idiot who escapes death and scrapes by dumb luck. Normally I find dorks and goofballs endearing — I do love Abhishek Bachchan, after all — but Ajay-as-goofball? Not so much. I was not buying it and not digging it, except in rare moments (like Raja Rani).

The one moment where I thought d'aw, what an adorable goofball.

Ajay has never been one of my favorites, but I’ve liked his recent masala movies. Maybe that’s because he can play a badass, slightly nutty do-gooder (i.e., Singham, Prithviraj in Bol Bachchan). In humor, Ajay is usually the straight man. And that works. Quite well. (I point you to Bol Bachchan as a point of reference.) Goofball, not so much (and from my initial experiences with watching him, romantic hero also not so much).

Also, heaven forgive me for casting stones, but part of me thought “If Ajay was a real Punjabi, he’d actually be able to dance!” (And yes, I say this with full knowledge that his family probably is Punjabi.)

I think I liked Sonakshi Sinha’s character more in this movie than I liked Sonakshi’s performance in this movie. The character of Sukh is full of that spunk that filmi artisans love to infuse Punjabi girls with. But Sonakshi rushes almost unintelligibly through most of her lines, hardly having time or inflection to give them the punch they deserve.

Sukh rides in to save Jassi. A welcome bit of spunk!

Also a welcome point: The end of the movie basically gives the impression that the women — Pammi and Bebeji — rule the household, despite the fact that Sanjay Dutt plays a rather oppressive family patriarch.

And speaking of Sanjay Dutt… As usual, not a fan. I’ll leave it at that.

This is masala and you should expect absurd, over-the-top heroics. But mostly you have to wait for those until the end of the movie. Most of it is a drawn out, boring song-and-dance about Jassi trying to avoid leaving the house.

Also, you want laughs from masala, right? I found them mostly lacking here. A laugh squeezed in here or there. But mostly things that just make you go “ugh” at the failed attempts at humor.

Alas, if only this tagline had proved true and the movie had been funny.

So, sum total: It’s masala not at its best.

Now I see why you couldn’t book your share of single screens, Ajay. It’s got nothing to do with YRF. It’s that your movie, well, kind of sucks.