2014 IIFA Awards up close and personal: A disastrous, infuriating mess

Two weekends ago now, I attended the International Indian Film Academy — IIFA — Awards here in own back yard of Tampa Bay as a member of the media — a dream come true, right? A dream that led me to come home early from India, to skip a trip to Assam.

Boy, did I end up regretting that.

I've watched IIFA broadcasts before and was so excited to see it up close and personal, but I came out of it realizing that IIFA is much, much better enjoyed as a TV show. Covering IIFA was a terrible, terrible experience that given the chance I’d never choose again. It was infuriatingly unprofessional and much less than promised (more on that later). And I'm not the only one who feels that way. I've heard complaints from everywhere, and there's even a survey circulating about how awful the experience was. Some others have made me feel like a whiny baby though (boohoo the stars came to my back yard but didn't want to see me), so I've held back on posting even after writing this epically long rant days after the events ended. But, nope, most of the fury hasn't died down.

I get the impression that IIFA’s “imperfections” are generally glossed over by media and everyone else, but I’m not one to sugarcoat things — ever — so here goes nothing.

NEW: Gori Tere Pyaar Mein: A rom-com with enough fun and funny

Do you know those times where you’re thoroughly unimpressed by a trailer but you figure “what the hey, I’ll go see this one anyway”?

That was the case today with Gori Tere Pyaar Mein. It looks like exactly the same kind of rom com formula that produces as many fizzlers as sizzlers. And then there’s the fact that Imran and Kareena’s last movie — Ek Main Aur Ekk Tu — thoroughly sucked.

Well, I won’t tell you their chemistry’s gotten a whole lot better, because it hasn’t. It’s still mediocre.

But Gori Tere Pyaar Mein is actually pretty funny and fun for at least three quarters of the movie (the ending, however, slows down and drags on for a while once you hit all of the necessary moral stuff). And maybe it’s just because I wasn’t expecting much, but I had fun.

India goes to the 2013 Oscars (and loses...again) -- I'm sad and I'm not

This seemed a lot like India’s year at the Oscars. No, Barfi!, India’s official submission for foreign language, didn’t make it to the big night, but some noteworthy others did. Bollywood was represented by three of its best in unassuming roles in two of the year’s biggest films, and India itself was an integral part of one of those films where an Indian voice also sang its way to nomination.

Veteran Bwood actor Anupam Kher was there alongside such Hollywood brass as legendary Robert De Niro, Sexiest Man Alive Bradley Cooper and best lead actress Jennifer Lawrence. All, of course, part of the cast of Silver Linings Playbook, which was nominated for best picture.

*From 2009 Oscars, not this year's.

Also up for best picture: Life of Pi. I mistakenly assumed Irrfan Khan would actually be there. 

It wasn’t too long a shot, considering he had a much more integral role in 11-time-nominee Life of Pi than Anupam Uncle had in eight-time-nominee Silver Linings and that it wouldn’t have been Irrfan’s first Oscars (he was there in 2009 for Slumdog). But alas, it seems that we were not treated to Irrfan in an awards-show-caliber tux this year. And to add to the sadness of that, there was no Tabu to be seen either. (Though given that her role is smaller, I had less expectation of her being there.)

Nor were we treated to a major win by either film this year, despite the fact that the odds were good. (Insert obligatory Argo-you-know-what-yourself remark here.)

NEW: Special 26: Smart, thrilling and full of wonderful mustaches

Synopsis: Based on a real-life 1987 heist that has never been solved, Special 26 is the story of a band of thieves who raid and rob businesses, corrupt politicians and the like posing as income tax or CBI officials. And they only steal black money, so the victims don’t like to report it. The crew is lead by schemer Ajay (Akshay Kumar), who is backed by P.K. Sharma (Anupam Kher), Joginder (Rajesh Sharma) and Iqbal (Kishor Kadam). But in the film’s first heist, Ajay and crew dupe police officers Ranveer (Jimmy Shergill) and Shanti (Divya Dutta) into helping them loot a corrupt minister’s home, leading Ranveer to swear revenge and take his case to resident CBI badass Wassim Khan (Manoj Bajpayee). As criminal mastermind Ajay works to plan one last big heist so the crew can retire, police mastermind Wassim is always in step with him.

The enduring power of DDLJ, 17 years on

What is it about DDLJ that is so captivating? Certainly it’s a great film, but other great films have come and gone in the 17 years that DDLJ has been running, cementing the title of longest-running Indian film in history. Other love stories have come and gone, but DDLJ remains. Other blockbusters have come and gone, and DDLJ remains.

It’s true that DDLJ perhaps gave birth to a new generation of Bollywood film — a film by the next generation of Chopra, with tenets of the classic Yash Chopra style — but so, in ways, did the youth and boldness of Rangeela (in the same year), Amitabh Bachchan’s angry young man films of the 1970s, Bobby in 1973 as a story of young love, countless other films. Yet they haven’t had the theater run that DDLJ has.

Some have said to understand DDLJ’s power, one has to understand the India of 1995, the power of globalization and the way that Raj’s international style and desi heart spoke to a generation and a growing diaspora. The way that DDLJ became, as Vijay Mishra says in his book Bollywood Cinema, the first film to directly address the NRI population — the thousands who are far from India yet still Indian at heart.

And though those factors are certainly a part of understanding DDLJ, I think looking at just that misses the fact that DDLJ is fundamentally appealing in many ways. The first time I watched DDLJ, I had barely stepped into the Bollywood world, and all of the globalization/diaspora mumbo jumbo wasn’t even on my radar. But I loved DDLJ.

DDLJ, I think, appeals to the romantic in all of us. It has the Swiss Alps backdrop, an obstacle in the heroine’s disapproving family, boy-girl antagonism that becomes love, dramatic train scenes — pretty classic characteristics of the Bollywood romance. Add on top of that a bewitchingly wonderful soundtrack of catchy and beautiful romantic tunes, some of 90s filmi music at its best. And the checklist of Bollywood blockbuster must-haves is not only complete: It’s filled out in style.

There is something to be said, too, for the remarkable chemistry of SRK and Kajol (not to mention the knockout supporting cast). Perhaps I’m slightly biased on this point because SRK and Kajol are two of my favorite actors, but there’s a certain sizzle there that you really can’t deny. DDLJ launched the lover boy persona that SRK has mastered and been unable to fully escape for nearly two decades. I’m always talking about how SRK has a charm that’s undefinable and powerful, but I think the particular appeal of Raj as a character has to do with more than SRK.

Most centrally, DDLJ features a young man who is a troublemaker — he fails his exams, parties constantly, is never serious, puts the moves on any girl in his path and steals beer from gas stations. But once he falls in love with a girl, we discover that he is, beneath the whole bad boy act, honor-bound and big-hearted — dilwale. He wants to marry Simran — though he's never loved a girl before — and not just that, but win her the right way because he is so upstanding. Isn’t that most women’s romantic fantasy about bad boys? That beneath it all, they’re good at heart?

And Simran may cower in fear of her father, but that doesn’t mean she’s weak. She’s stubborn and forceful with Raj from the moment they meet. A firecracker hidden in a somewhat demure package. A woman who respects her family and tradition but also has a spark and a temper — isn’t that what many men wish for?

Let’s not forget the way that the love unfolds: unexpectedly, right in the face of Simran’s impending marriage. Simran had, as she tells her mother, resolved to be happy for one month and consigned herself thereafter to an unhappy life in a foreign country with a man she’d never met. And then Raj sweeps into her life. And Raj is a freewheeling lover who treats Simran like he would any other girl — i.e. flirting incessantly but never seriously — before Simran’s nature and good heart unexpectedly draw him in deeper. (“I’ve had many affairs,” he tells her, “but I’ve never been in love.”)

And then the lovers embark on a quest to win over Simran’s family — effectively winning over an audience in the process — while also meeting behind closed doors as, well, two people in love. (And while wooing Simran’s family, Raj — in true SRK fashion — is particularly adept at wooing the women, of course.) It’s both a public and private love affair, with all of the thrill of a clandestine love affair and all of the jokes and smiles involved in gaining acceptance and approval from a family. A love so honorable it refuses to elope but not so honorable that it won't lie to win approval.

Long story short, DDLJ is probably the perfect film love story.

And let it never be said that the Chopras don’t have a mastery of the small romantic gestures as well as the large that will make your heart melt. From Raj convincing Simran they’ve slept together only to tell her he’s certainly joking because he respects her honor to trying to sneak a kiss behind a pillar — only to have Babuji interrupt — to confessing love in a field of yellow flowers after Raj has flown halfway around the world for Simran. Whole lists are dedicated to the top romantic moments in DDLJ.

DDLJ is fundamentally a story of loving, desi hearts found in unlikely places. A big, honest heart with desi values is found in freewheeling, partying spoiled London boy Raj. Simran finds the balance in her heart to love Raj and still respect and honor her family. Simran’s Babuji leaves London and seeks comfort in Punjab because he believes Londoners are all heartless and unfamiliar and that many second-generation desis like Raj “dishonor the name of Hindustan.” When he meets Raj’s Pops in Punjab, he says his London clothes belie his desi persona, to which Pops responds, “Clothes? I keep Hindustan in my heart.” That’s the sentiment that speaks to the diaspora, what I was talking about before.

But more, I think, than finding desi values, DDLJ is about finding good people and goodness in the hearts of everyone. Because there’s Raj and Simran’s initial antagonism that turns to love (well, maybe the antagonism is only Simran’s) because both unexpectedly find good hearts in the other. And then despite the antagonism between Simran’s father and Raj, Raj is able to ask for forgiveness and ultimately (in the last, y’know, minute of the film) Simran’s father is able to forgive his grievances with Raj and let Simran go to him because he recognizes that “no one can love you as he does.”

That is why I say DDLJ appeals to the romantic, the optimist, in all of us and not just the desi diaspora.

It’s one of the several powerful factors that contributes to make DDLJ an enduring masterpiece that other films will continue to chase.

“Bade bade deshon mein aisi chhoti chhoti baatein hote rehti hain, Señorita.”

Oh Darling Yeh Hai India! (1995): Oh Darling, Yeh Hai... wth?

So this is probably going to be one of the smallest posts that we'll ever have here at Bollywood Queens (despite the fact that I'm sure it'll be longer than I intend).

The film: Oh Darling Yeh Hai India! (1995).

In brief, do not get tricked into watching this film! I picked it up off of a cheap DVD rack because it was a 90s film with SRK that I hadn't heard of, and, well, it was $4. Joke's on me. This was the absolute strangest thing I have ever seen in my life and the one classification that this film falls under is "WTH?!" Because that's what you'll be saying through the entire film.

All sorts of bizarre things happen in this film. It opens with a truckload of rowdy hookers riding down Marine Drive singing a "come hither" song. I should've known right then and there that this film was going to be a bizarre one. And when Anupam Kher showed up and he had hair, I really should've known; Anupam Kher barely had hair in DDLJ, which came out the same year. And "bizarre" is the understatement of the year. I watched a hooker beat up a guy with her boobs, a don's son dance like Michael Jackson to intimidate people, and an auction to sell India to the highest bidder. ...yes, you read all of those correctly.

Ignoring all of the completely strange things that happen in this film, even the premise is strange. A hooker bored with being a hooker, "Miss India" (Deepa Sahi), meets a homeless, down-on-his-luck-but-not-spirit actor who cops beat away from sleeping on railing, "Hero" (Shahrukh Khan), and promises him a meal if he'll entertain her for the night. Well, it turns out that said hooker is also the particular favorite of a big don's son, Prince (Javed Jaffrey), and he's not willing to let her go. At the same time, Prince's father Don Kihote (read: Don Quixote) (Amrish Puri) is launching a plan to take over India by replacing the president (Anupam Kher) with a surgically engineered lookalike (also Anupam Kher) who will then auction the country off to him.

Oh, yeah, this film is nuts. And you know those movies that are so bad they're funny? Well "Yeh Hai India" has its moments where it's so absurd it's hilarious, but for the most part, it's just a wth kind of bad.

These wonderful scene names and that gorgeous picture of (scary!) Amrish Puri tell all.

Also, I know that Bollywood films have a bit of a tendency to be a decade or half a decade behind the U.S. with trends (i.e. Kuch Kuch Hota Hai <3 circa 1998 watches like Saved by the Bell circa 1989), but this film was probably the most late-1980s film I have ever seen despite the fact that it's from '95. I was constantly reminded of early Full House and definitely Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (which came out in 1990 but is pretty 80s). That was at least somewhat fun. As were the following botched subtitles (fyi, check out Paagal Subtitle for the best of this kind of stuff!):

And even in this horrible-quality film as basically a hobo, Shahrukh is a real charmer. Even with this horrible material, the man was obviously a star. Thank God DDLJ followed right on the heels of this one and catapulted him up to his rightful place.

Speaking of DDLJ, I must also address Amrish Puri who, it would seem, worked with SRK thrice in 1995: here, DDLJ and Karan Arjun. Amrish Puri scares the living daylights out of me. He was scary as Simran's dad in DDLJ. He was seriously frightening as a maniacally scheming murderer in Karan Arjun. He was downright terrifying in this film as a don plotting to cause mass mayhem and murder. I am SO not kidding. I have never seen a villain in Bollywood that scares me more than one played by Amrish Puri. Even with scantily clad dancers prancing around him singing about the coming apocalypse.

<sarcasm> And even scarier is his son, who, knowing daddy's a badfanny, goes and dances people into submission! The horror! </sarcasm>

Prince dancing people into submission in a white suit. Not scary, though Amrish Puri really is a terror.

Hero is not bowed by Prince. And how true those words are, Shahrukh. How true.

 And for a film called "Yeh Hai India" (This is India), this is the worst portrait of India I've ever seen. Hookers and dons who want to buy the place and cops who beat at a hobo man and crowds/masses that cause riots and set things on fire. The song Yeh Hai India is kind of an interesting across-the-board take on upsides and downsides of India, but it's nothing much special either.

In effect, the only reason I would ever watch this film if I were you is if I were going on a campaign to watch every SRK film (a quest which I probably will formally embark on very, very soon). And even then, I'd think twice.